Today I bring you a guest appearance from Robert Crane who is the author of Fibomercials and Scams. The number one internet humor blog about infomercials, scams and the pants-on-fire crowd from the creator of Cranelegs Pond.
Take a good look at him. No it’s not wacky director, John Waters. That’s quacky rectumologist, Klee Irwin. He would have us believe that our colons need a good washing out from time to time and that he’s just the guy to do it. Notice he has shiny hair. I don’t believe anything people with shiny hair say, least of all about cleaning crap out of our colons, since they all seem so full of it to begin with.
I can just hear Chris Rock yelling, “And what kind of f’in name is that anyway? Klee f’in Irwin? Mother f’in Klee? Mother f’in Irwin? He’s either an f’in porn star or in the f’in witness protection program or f’in both. Mother! F’in! Klee! Irwin!â€
All I can say is if Klee Irwin is his birth name that explains everything.
Regardless, to his credit, anyone who can fill thirty minutes yapping about removing pounds of prehistoric waste from our innards in one easy bowel is a gamer in my book, albeit in a Morton Downey Jr. sort of way. Come to think about it, Mort’s hair was shiny too! And, boy oh boy, is Klee’s fibomercial loaded with fibs you don’t hear everyday. Why, did you know that during John Wayne’s autopsy, they discovered he had collected over forty pounds of movie history in his colon? It’s no wonder he walked the way he did. Ah, the sh%t (literally) I learn when I venture out into the three digit cable channels at three in the morning.
Anyway, Klee Irwin? How about him? Imagine his childhood, overcoming all those obstacles to become a self proclaimed “nutraceutical formulator” for crying out loud—whatever that is.
Now being the naturally inquisitive type of guy i am, i did some investigating on just what that might be and this is what i came up with. “Nutraceutical” is a made up marketing term for something that is unregulated but sounds scientificky, like pharmaceutical but without the clinical trials or FDA approvals. Personally, it would be better named, “pseudoceuticalâ€. Dual action colon cleanse is such a “pseudoceuticalâ€.
As for “formulator”, that’s simply a fancy way to say Klee concocts things of a “nutra†nature, which he then tries to market as a “pseudoceuticalâ€.
Now to do that with any kind of success, you just have to own a wildly active imagination. It probably helps to be a psychopathic liar to boot. And if you have shiny hair, well then, you are gold in the fantasy universe of untested, uncontrolled, unregulated, unproven natural remedies for what doesn’t ail ya.
Say what you will. Klee Irwin is all that!
To quote the thoughtful, eloquent Ali G, “Respect!”
note: the Quackwatch website provides a great explanation of colon cleanse made up stuff by certified fibomercial debunker, Dr. Stephen Barrett, m.d. (no relation to Dazzling Donnie Boy Barrett, m.f.)
